Tuesday, March 15, 2011
for those of you who know me well, know that Jordyn suffers from OCD. And somedays are a lot harder then others. Not just for her, but for me....sometimes I feel like I'm the only one on her side, the only one that sees the torment in her eyes, the pain and suffering in every movement she makes. I feel like through all this, I have always tried to see the real Jordyn, the one that lies just below the surface, the one that is sweet, caring and loves me. Other days I only see the monster, as I like to call OCD, the monster that makes her angry, cranky and lash out at me and others around her. Yes I know that she needs help, but we tried that route before and she just sat and stared at the doctor each and every visit, not caring about what he was telling her, not wanting to take control of her own life...maybe it was because she was too young to understand the meaning that OCD's grasp on her would have for her entire life, or maybe she just didn't feel she had the strength to fight...but today is years after those appointments and we can not find help. The mental health offices here in Surrey are overflowing with wait lists and I feel we will be fighting this invisible monster forever. And on days like today, I'm drained, sad, tired, frustrated and wish I could take on this monster on my own, drag it out of her, kick it til it can't get up anymore and just to make sure, light it on fire till it floats away is a small puff of smoke. If only it were that easy to free her of this life of uncertainty. My heart literally aches, not knowing what kind of future she will have, how much she will controlled by these thoughts, the rituals, the handwashing, the fear, that's the one that scares me the most, the fear, watching her sometimes so scared of imagined germs that she will sit in a corner, too scared to move, fearful she will contaminate the whole house if she sits on a piece of furniture or moves or walks along the floor with her shoes on. Days like today, I wish I had a magic wand, one I could wave above her head and make it all go away. let her be a normal teenager, worrying about boys and school instead of germs and crazy thoughts. Maybe one day, she won't be scared, worried or so angry and we can once again enjoy our baby girl, for who she really is instead of the carrier of a monster who makes up things, makes her fear herself, makes her fear touching things and just simple makes her life and mine a living hell. OCD can jump off a cliff and die a long slow death.