Thoughts on being a mom of a teenage girl

somedays it just SUCKS!!!!! let's be honest, you remember what you were like as a teenager right? You look fat, your hair didn't work out, nor your makeup, and well the boy you like doesn't like you back...Geez, life is SO hard....or so we thought. How my mother ever put up with me is a constant wonder, and the fact that she still likes me now is even a bigger mystery??? Because right now, I know exactly how she feels....listening to the complaining, the drama and yet feeling helpless and left out....because that's what's happening around here....sure I get told when she doesn't like what I sent her for lunch, or what I make for dinner, or that her hair sucks today, but when something really big happens, she shuts down, closes all doors and won't let me in....and you know what, it hurts.....my heart is actually hurting right now, sad that I don't have a clue what's bothering her, that I can't make it better, because first off I don't know WHAT it IS, and maybe if I did, I still probably couldn't make it better...but I just want to be able to try. This mom thing really should come with some kind of buffer, the ones where the heart and mind can stay focused on the important things, like making sure they are safe, feed etc...but my heart just can't do that...because when she hurts, I hurt more....because I'm hurting for both of us.

POTD #19

I'm not sure about you, but I have a few sounds that I actually love to here...one is the skytrain, don't ask me why, I just do....the other is Tim's tool belt. I love hearing the hammer moving back and forth, rubbing against the metal holder, the clinking and clanging of all the other stuff he carries in there....and since he has a bad back, he doesn't wear it very often, but today, he did, and I got to hear the sound I like...so it's my picture of the day.

50% off at Precioius Memories

and I had money to spend, and spend it I did!!!!! I had sold a recliner the other night on craigslist and was going to use the money to get a new patio set...that was, until I got the email saying that most of the store would be 50% off this weekend. Needless to say, after work today, I went and had a shopping spree, all the while, Tim sat in the truck patiently waiting. What a great husband.

all my goodies literally took over 3/4 of my kitchen table. Oh where will I find room to put it all. Do you think anyone would notice if I just left it on the table??? We usually eat in the living room anyways....lol!

The reciept was as long as my grocery shopping one, geez, it actually spread from one side of my table to the other... :) But look at the picture below...that was one heck of a savings...I think only about 5 or 6 of the items weren't on sale, so not bad for 38 items.... can't wait to play.

POTD #18

today we saw the fish tank get demolished at the house we did...you remember me saying that the 300 gallon tank leaked and caused almost $200 thousand dollars in damage to the house, and we have a lot of work to redo...well today, they came in to take the tank out and they couldn't get it out without breaking it...as we watched, and I video taped it, it seemed so sad and such a waste of $20 thousand dollars to watch it all shatter to the ground...needless to say, I kept a souvenir of it.....

POTD #17

Today was a hard day to get a photo...since I have started the POTD I have found it fun and look forward to getting my daily picture...but today, nothing seemed to be worthy to take a picture of..that may sound bad, ie, I could always take a picture of my family or individual in my life, but I have tried to make it about objects, instead of people. Then it came to me, what is the most important object I own??? what helps me capture family moments, life moments and everything in between...and makes it so I can create my wonderful scrapbook pages.....is this.....

POTD #16

A tisket, a tasket, a whole bunch of apples in a basket....lol...

Unseen monsters

for those of you who know me well, know that Jordyn suffers from OCD. And somedays are a lot harder then others. Not just for her, but for me....sometimes I feel like I'm the only one on her side, the only one that sees the torment in her eyes, the pain and suffering in every movement she makes. I feel like through all this, I have always tried to see the real Jordyn, the one that lies just below the surface, the one that is sweet, caring and loves me. Other days I only see the monster, as I like to call OCD, the monster that makes her angry, cranky and lash out at me and others around her. Yes I know that she needs help, but we tried that route before and she just sat and stared at the doctor each and every visit, not caring about what he was telling her, not wanting to take control of her own life...maybe it was because she was too young to understand the meaning that OCD's grasp on her would have for her entire life, or maybe she just didn't feel she had the strength to fight...but today is years after those appointments and we can not find help. The mental health offices here in Surrey are overflowing with wait lists and I feel we will be fighting this invisible monster forever. And on days like today, I'm drained, sad, tired, frustrated and wish I could take on this monster on my own, drag it out of her, kick it til it can't get up anymore and just to make sure, light it on fire till it floats away is a small puff of smoke. If only it were that easy to free her of this life of uncertainty. My heart literally aches, not knowing what kind of future she will have, how much she will controlled by these thoughts, the rituals, the handwashing, the fear, that's the one that scares me the most, the fear, watching her sometimes so scared of imagined germs that she will sit in a corner, too scared to move, fearful she will contaminate the whole house if she sits on a piece of furniture or moves or walks along the floor with her shoes on. Days like today, I wish I had a magic wand, one I could wave above her head and make it all go away. let her be a normal teenager, worrying about boys and school instead of germs and crazy thoughts. Maybe one day, she won't be scared, worried or so angry and we can once again enjoy our baby girl, for who she really is instead of the carrier of a monster who makes up things, makes her fear herself, makes her fear touching things and just simple makes her life and mine a living hell. OCD can jump off a cliff and die a long slow death.